Jan

11

Starring Mickey Rourke, Sarah Silverman and a few mid - low level Hollywood types.

Asbhy is another coming of age story about a young man (Ed) having to make it in a world that he seems ill equipped for.

After his narcissistic parents get divorced in Oregon, his mother (played by Sarah Silverman) moves her son Ed (the 17 year old suffering from teen angst) to Virginia where his the new guy at school.

Ed is a nerd, but also as it turns out, is a jock.

He quickly becomes an outcast at his school. Meets a girl at school who is a little weird (she has an MRI machine in her basement) and they develop an angst ridden uncomfortable relationship that is has become 100% predictable in today's formulaic "coming of age teen angst movies".

Of course, not surprisingly, Ed has a neighbor (Mickey Rourke) named Ashby who is dying of a brain "something" (we never know what is wrong with his brain) and only has a few months to live. He tells Ed that he is a napkin salesmen, but it turns out that he is really a CIA assassin who has killed 95 targets (people).

Ed knows nothing of Ashby being terminally ill till later of course when the formulaic timeline says it should be revealed….thank goodness the (sorta) girlfriend has an MRI machine in her basement to confirm the assassin Ashby's story.

Ed and Ashby have a few adventures mostly involving (insert formulaic adventures in here) wherein Ashby reveals life's truths to Ed, one of which is that Ed is coward.

Ed denies that he is a coward even though he won't catch passes from the team QB that require him to take a hit (oh yeah…..remember it turns out that he is a jock too and the fastest guy on the team). That is another part of this disjointed story that is increases the "boring and stupid" factor even more.

Does this sound exciting so far? No, you say. Well there's a reason for that. It's because the movie was HORRENDOUS.

Here's a few tidbits that I'll mention. Please note that this is presented in a disjointed manner (like this entire movie review) for a reason….the entire movie, the entire plot line, the character development the story development is just a bunch of random clips put together by a director/editor who may well have been never seen an actual movie before.

Anyway…here you go…a few tidbits from the "plot":

Ashby finds out that the last person he assassinated was ordered to be killed so that his "bosses/compatriots" could make a bunch of money. Asbhy does not like this because he thought that all his kills were justified (remember he's a CIA assassin) because they were enemies of the US. Of course, this sends Ashby on the warpath to kill his former "compatriots" in the most boring and ridiculous manner possible.

Since there is something wrong the Ashby's brain (he's dying of….something), he has Ed drive him around to his "compatriots" houses so he can kill them. Of course, Ed doesn't realize this until the formulaic plot timeline dictates it's time for Ed to know.

And just as one would expect, Ed finds out and reacts in the most ridiculous manner possible that defies all logic and reason.

Ashby teaches Ed to fight when he finds out that Ed doesn't stand up for his "sorta" girlfriend.

When Ed scores the winning touchdown, he is carried off the field and one of the slutty bimbo blondes has sex with him. His "sorta" girlfriend pretends to be upset by this (maybe she was…but the acting was bad, so it's hard to tell the difference). Ashby teaches that Ed that he shouldn't just apologize, but make amends (whatever that means).

The "sorta" girlfriend takes him back when Ed sweeps her off her feet with a "teen angst formulaic speech that no teenager in history has ever delivered."

If all that (and other things I won't bore you with) aren't enough, the movie co-starred Sarah Silverman as Ed's mom.

Silverman played the role she was born to play: A vulgar slut who has no self respect or sense of decorum when it comes to sexual exploits in the presence of her son.

Even though Ed is upset by his mother's slut-hood, he still loves her and is far wiser than she (and let's face it, according to Hollywood, what child isn't smarter and wiser than their parents).

In modern Hollywood, all parents are morons…

Well….Except for Ashby (remember, he is the very forgettable and unlikable "anti-hero" of the story), as he is a wise, but flawed man, just trying to undo all the bad he's done (he was an assassin for the CIA and only killed the bad guys) so that he can go to heaven and be with his daughter (who he wasn't there for when she overdoses on pills because she was a troubled teen girl who needed her absent father to be there for her) and his wife who died a few years later (we never learn how or why she died).

Well, good 'ole Ashby kills two of the three compatriots who had him kill the innocent guy for money. When Ed finds out that he's been acting as the getaway driver for Ashby's assassinations, Ed makes Ashby promise not to kill the 3rd compatriots. Asbhy agrees not to kill the third compatriot (and actually keeps his word.)

I won't say what this results in, but you don't have to be rocket surgeon to figure it out (remember, Ashby now has less than a couple of weeks to live anyway), but let's just say that they (the producers/writers/directors) try to make it a beautiful scenic experience in an outdoor setting to which Ashby willingly goes with the assassins sent by the third compatriot (who Asbhy spared) to kill Ashby…..oh heck, now look what I've done. I've spoiled the plot.

Oh well, it doesn't matter. The movie is so bad that you'd have to have (something) wrong with your brain to go see this movie.

Oh yeah, one last thing, did I mention that Sarah Silverman's character is an unlikable, vile, vulgar, slut who should be ridiculed and ostracized by the entire female community (and any self respecting men as well).

Do NOT under any circumstances go see this movie. It has not a single redeeming quality and not one moment that is believable or even slightly entertaining.

It is vulgar and vile and Hollywood should be ashamed of itself for green-lighting a movie this awful.

No actor, Mickey Rourke included, did their careers any good by appearing in this claptrap.

Stay Away!


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2 Comments so far

  1. Ed on January 12, 2016 10:18 pm

    Scott, you are a trooper and a good sport for bothering to see such movies. I gave up on anything that even slightly “smells” of similar at least 10 years ago. Great decision on my part.

  2. Roberto on January 20, 2016 5:44 pm

    Great review! Saved me for wasting time!

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