A Little List

(To the tune of "As some day it may happen," from The Mikado by Gilbert & Sullivan)

1a. As now is a good time to finally clean up this town
We've got a little list
We've got a little list
Of charlatans and pessimists who should be underground
Who never would be missed
Who never would be missed.

1b. There's the foolish blusterers who never have a losing trade
And all the brokerage analysts who never say "downgrade"
And the pessimistic guru who lost hope in `65
And the floor broker who says your order never did arrive.

Chorus:
We’ve got ‘em on the list, We’ve got ‘em on the list; and
And they'll none of them be missed
And they'll none of them be missed

2a. There's the billionaire complaining taxes really are too low
And the tout who likes to write about his own portfolio
The journalists who publish charts with lots of colored lines
And the bear who's always seeing a new kind of danger sign.

2b. Then the people selling systems that with just a tweak or two
Would clearly beat the hedge fund guys with hardly a snafu
And the worshippers of Buffett who show up in Omaha
To pay homage to the miser whom the media holds in awe

We’ve got ‘em on the list, we’ve got ‘em on the list; and
And they'll none of them be missed
And they'll none of them be missed

3a. And the personal finance writers who take chapters to explain
Everything that's obvious or not much of a strain
The purveyors of newsletters of technical analysis
They’d none of them be missed
They’d none of them be missed

3b. And whosoever will, with sophistry resist
Their well deserved inclusion on this soon forgotten list,
Shall banished be to lower realms where artful sinners dwell.
And join their brethren howling, from the seventh circle of Hell.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list
For they’d none of ‘em be missed
They’d none of them be missed

Chorus:
You may put ‘em on the list
You may put’ ‘em on the list
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed
They’ll none of ‘em be missed.

Golf: 10; Stocks: 1

(to the tune of “Dance: Ten; Looks: Three”  from A Chorus Line)

Golf: 10; Shares: 1
My stock is still a laggard
People think that I’m a braggart
Too much putting, too much fresh air.

Golf: 10; Shares: 1
The stock keeps falling!

Left the green and
Called my banker for
A guidance to buy…

A company course!
Cut the R&D outlays
Tightened up the pension plan
Sponsored a big tournament
All that goes with it.

A company course!

Cut my handicap to 3.
Suddenly I’m on NBC!
A great golf game goes with great returns,
Everybody says so.

A Taste of Money

(To the tune of  “A Taste of Honey”)

A taste of money … trader, put out a line.

I ran some regressions, and then,
I ran the R-squared yet again
A taste of money … trader, put out a line.

I will stay long, yes I will stay long
I’ll stay long in the Nasdaq and Spooz

Then came a move that broke through my stops
And triggered sells almost off the chart
That taste of money … trader, put out a line.

I will go short, yes I will go short
I’ll go short (he’ll go short) in the Nasdaq (for the money) and Spooz

Bidin' My Time

(Music and original lyrics by George and Ira Gershwin)

(Refrain)
I’m bidin’ my time
‘Cause that’s the kind of guy I’m
Jobs report on Friday
That’s my buy day
Now’s not the time.

Jobs day, jobs day
Somethin’s bound to happen
And until then
I’ll just keep on nappin’

and

Bidin’ my time
‘Cause that’s the kind of guy I’m
There’s no regrettin’
When I’m setting’
Biding’ my time.